So everyone is clear that this year has been a disaster. Politically. Economically. COVID-lly. Racially. So much. Loss. We’ve lost so much. Yea I don’t want to talk about the silver linings right now. We’ve lost countless people. In our families. In our communities. Our celebrities. Our heroes.
And in the midst of it, I am just starting a PhD. Like week one. Ain’t no time to quit. And I’m exhausted already. This year has taken so much of my energy. Ain’t enough prayer, meditation, wine or Zebra popcorn to give me what I feel like I’ve lost. I ain’t gon hold you. I’m tired right now.
When John Lewis died, I cried at his funeral like he was my direct family member. This week, Chadwick Boseman died. I am absolutely undone. At least in the case of Lewis, he had lived an entire lifetime. Boseman was 43. FORTY. THREE. Y’ALL. I couldn’t sleep last night and I’ve cried most of today. That man was young, y’all. I remember I saw a pic of him doing an interview or something a few weeks ago and I thought he looked too thin but I just assumed that he was losing weight for a movie role. It never dawned on me that he might be sick or dying. Never. Black Panther doesn’t die until we’re old and gray. I don’t care what happened in the Avengers movie! Black Panther lives forever. I’m absolutely blown.
And yet, I’m eternally grateful that I was able to witness all of his works and his impact on the world, on Black people, on Black children.
And of course, people at my institution don’t get this. At least, they’ve not made me aware that they get this. I’m worn out and I ain’t even been in the program a full week. And I do not have the option to stop. Now is the time for me to ramp up, right? I’ve been waiting to get to this starting line for some time and now is my time. And I gotta go get it, regardless. A friend of mine asked me the other day why I don’t get tired of the fight. After rambling, I finally came to say something like, “I do get tired but this ain’t for me so there’s no time to stop.” Today, I’d like to add to that: There isn’t time to stop but with the way this year has gutted us on all sides, I will take time to rest. I don’t know what that looks like right now. Quite frankly, I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to rest the way I want to right now and I’m asking myself if I can make it to November?
My emotions are all over the place so pardon if my thoughts are too. I don’t even know y’all. What I do know is Wakanda will live on forever in my heart and mind. It is a place of rest I can return to in my heart and mind when chaos ensues like it is right now. And there is still alot of year left in 2020. And we still have an election to get through. Whew chile. I’m trying to think positively but I don’t think I’m ready for what will happen with the results of this election.
It is all too heavy right now. Way too heavy.
