On my mother's side of the family, we don't sugar coat ANYTHING. If someone has a problem with you, you know it. There isn't any "Well I was thinking that maybe..." Nah. You get, "You know what I didn't appreciate?" and a litany of issues they have and likely a few expletives. Like Joe Clark and Frank Napier in Lean on Me, we fussed about it and soon after, we were usually over it and moving on. Rarely were there apologies. You just moved on like it didn't happen. Most of the time, we looked back, laughing at those moments. But every now and then, those arguments became staunch divisions of BEFORE and AFTER. Things were never the same.
Our approach to this way of communicating is almost always been predicated on this ideal of being authentic. Of truth-telling. Of keeping one another grounded.
I, too, believe I am a truth teller and I believe in authenticity. Don't bring me fake and phony. Bring your real self; that way, if we don't vibe, at least it's our real selves that don't vibe.
But as I get older, I'm learning about the nuances and the minefield that authenticity can be. And I've noticed it in three ways:
The "You've Changed" Narrative
The Cost of "Being Real"- Truth and Helpfulness
Staying Grounded: What Does That Really Mean?
You've Changed
I think many of us have heard this from folks before. Typically from long-term relationships with family, friends, colleagues, and partners bring about this conversation: "you aren't who you used to be." In a dynamic like the one I was raised in, this burns us up inside. We desire to be authentic and to remain that "A1 since Day 1" for the people who know us best and we've known the longest.
But again, for many of us, that's just not a reality. Our paths take us so far in different directions which means our authenticity may look different at 20 than it does at 30 or 50. So I ask to those of you who have said this to people before, is there room for that person or those people to be authentic in new ways? Are people allowed to grow and thus, have their authenticity look different as they grow? If you say they are allowed to grow, what does that require of you to give them that space?
The Cost of Being Real v. Being Helpful
This is the one that really gets under my skin. I know people who live and die by the phrase "I'm just telling you the truth." Well guess what? It might be true to you. Hell, it might even be true to me but is it helpful in this moment?
We assume that telling the truth automatically does some good because it's "true". But truth can actually cause more harm without some decent timing and care to actually serve the person you're speaking truth to.
And without that discernment, you can cause great damage to that relationship you claim to hold so dear. For example, I ended up in the hospital after a major car wreck in my early twenties. I knew that I needed to have brake work done on my car but I wanted to go see my boyfriend. Was it a smart decision to drive that car? Nope. That was never more clear than when I had to swerve head first into a guard rail, to avoid slamming into the car in front of me because my brakes went out. It was a dumb move and I totaled that car (RIP Peaches).
One of the people who came to visit me while I was in the hospital was LIVID with me. I mean, absolutely LIVID. They told me beforehand that it wasn't a good decision and that this was the price for me making a poor decision. This is all said, while I'm laying in the hospital bed with black eyes, a swollen and bloodied nose, skin cut up and ripped from my arm, and awaiting testing to see if I had any head trauma. So while they were ABSOLUTELY right that it was a poor decision; it was TERRIBLE timing. And it made quite an impact because I still remember that and it was 9 years ago.
The lesson here is what matters to you more? Being truth or being helpful? Now that's not to say that you can't do both at the same time but for those who are good at lobbing, "I'm just telling the truth" in our faces, you often forget this other piece. Don't share truth without care. Don't share truth when it's just because you want to show that you're right. If you just want to be right, do me a favor: SHUT UP! It's not serving you or the other person; it's just creating that barrier to your relationship.
If you want to be helpful and share the truth with them, then decide when is the best time for that to happen. Is it right now while they're laying in a hospital bed after a major accident? Or while they're throwing up outside your apartment building?
Or would it better for you to say it later when they may actually receive what you're saying? Food for thought.
What does staying grounded really mean?
Again, for many black and brown families, we hear regularly some version of this: "You getting too big for your britches!" and "Don't forget where you come from." That usually means I checked someone who was an elder to me and they didn't like it. And as I mentioned above, we hold no punches in my family. So I usually apologize if I was rude or disrespectful but I usually stand firm in what I actually said because what I'm checking them on is something sexist, fatphobic, or just crass. And then comes the reminder that I'm getting too big for my britches and/or that they are here to keep me grounded.
What that seems to imply is that the way you knew me or expected me to behave is how I have to stay. It implies that I'm supposed to stay in this box of familiarity that is important to you. But maybe I am getting too big for my britches. Maybe they don't fit anymore and I need something different. What I know for many minoritized folks, everything we do is for our families and our communities but when we start doing things on our terms, it's a problem.
To our families, you gave us everything we needed to get to this point in life and for that, we're grateful. But perhaps what worked for you, doesn't work for us. Or maybe it did for awhile and it's not anymore. What we need from you now is space and love and support. Accept us for where we are, give us the space to figure it out, and love us. It's likely that this new space will require different work from you and from us to make our evolving relationship work. If you love us as much we know you do, we know that the adjustment will be tough but that we can figure out how to do that together. But if you aren't willing to do the work with us to readjust, you will have to accept the tension that comes with a relationship that doesn't fit. Just like these britches y'all keep trying to sell us on.
Authenticity is a minefield. It can be powerful and impactful. It can also cause a great deal of pain in the name of that which is just and righteous. It can clear out a family or friendship or partnership, leaving no fertile soil from which to regrow the relationship. It can also create new grounding from which relationships can flourish. It ain't nothing to play with and nothing to hide but it is a force with which you should use with some care. Authenticity without care is just harm.
