Well shit (in my Leslie Jordan voice), it’s starting already. I’m still a solid 6-weeks out from starting this program and yet I am stressed already. Because I have a Master’s degree in another field, I’ve had a couple of recommendations for books to read that will help me familiarize myself with this asking questions in discipline-specific ways. So that’s one thing.
Then, as is my nature, I’m trying to identify PEOPLE. Because at the end of the day, community will sustain me when I’m ready to quit. So friends, Sorors, and colleagues have been putting me in touch with people they know in the field and at my institution who I can start connecting with. I’ve also just been emailing people cold for informational interviews, etc. And those folks have also had a couple of recommendations for things I should check out, people I should find when I arrive, etc. So that’s another thing.
So now I’m trying to read, read, and do more reading. On top of this, I was offered some additional funding to do research with one of the faculty members before I start classes. I was honored and grateful but I’m also like “lady, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing!” Our work is mixed methods and the paper I previously co-authored was a qualitative study. The faculty member has been great and patient and has a wealth of knowledge but I feel like I’m not moving as fast as I would like. My task right now is finding articles for our literature review. This doesn’t seem hard but it’s harder than it sounds. For one, we’re doing a topic that has not readily been studied so I’m piecing together items that talk around our topic in order to create a lit review. Also, I’m writing up summaries for each article I find, including what are their methods, what’s their main argument, how does it relate to our question and what are their findings. Each article takes somewhere between 30-90 minutes. The well-written pretty upfront and concise articles take about 30 minutes but dissertations are obviously closer to 90 minutes. I spent an hour on an article last week that had three different questions with different independent variables and controls for each question. Bruh, they had like 12 pages of tables from the tests they ran. Great article but LAWD, my eyeballs hurt afterward. So that’s a third thing.
Also, I’m still working my full-time job and that’s a challenge because I’m training a new GA with the intent that she will be able to help the person who will replace me because the transition to working remotely with this team is going to be TOUGH for that incoming person. Not to mention, my boss has been sick (not COVID-related) and so she’s been slower than usual to make moves on things I need from her. (And no, that’s not a slight to her. It’s just a fact.) So that’s a fourth thing.
And the last and most important thing, I’ve been trying to do is prepare for this move. And if I’m telling the truth, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE. I love my city so much and I’m so nervous that I won’t be able to come back once I’m done with my program. Visiting just isn’t the same and I’m not able to say goodbye like I’d want. COVID changed this summer drastically. I had three trips planned with family and girlfriends. I was planning on hitting all my favorite DC clubs, eating at all my favorite places, attending Jazz in the Garden, going to church, singing in the choir, etc. THAT. DID. NOT. HAPPEN.
Preparation also looks like starting to work through some tough things with my therapist, continuing to work on building my coping toolkit, and continuing to manage my physical and mental health with exercise. Prior to COVID, I had just gotten into a great workout groove with ClassPass! And then COVID came in like a hater and shut it all down.
So now, I’m sitting here anxious but after seeing all this, I totally understand why I’m anxious. There’s ALOT going on. Guess this is why they encourage journaling.
This blog is helping to give me an outlet so I’m grateful for it but I think what will be most helpful for me is to create a schedule so that I can do all the things and not feel like I’m dropping the ball on them all. Maybe I’ll pick a couple nights a week to just read the books and then I’ll make sure to do my workouts in the mornings at least 3 days a week, and then give myself specific times for solitude and inner work. I already do morning prayer and devotional most mornings.
How do you best keep a schedule for yourself? Or do you have another method to keep yourself on track? How do you best manage your anxiety? Share below! We can all use some motivation and ideas!
